I am Orochimaru
by Skelo
Summary: This is a OC SI/Self Insert where the person is not in fact reborn as some random side character; open to be preyed upon by outside evil forces; but as one of the potentially evil forces right from the get go: Orochimaru. Naori Uchiha is one of the pairing but isn't available in characters. Orochimaru/Naori/Tsunade/Mei only.
1. A New Team 7

**This is an OC self-insert with an after university science backstory attached. Enjoy being reborn as Orochimaru!**

* * *

><p>'<em>Well, I'm dead…Dead as a doornail...I had a good run…<em>

_Now I have been sentenced to the land of eternal blackness…_

_Note the sarcasm…'_

You know how in these stories, most people die with regrets? Well, I have one: not being immortal.

Not the eternal youth shit.

I just don't want to die from anything but old age. Ironically enough, the two forms of immortality are not mutually exclusive.

Theoretically; by living healthily, a human without developing cancer or blood/brain problems (e.g. a stroke or blood clots) could live for about three hundred years (the length of time before all your bacteria in you intestines stop breeding and you lose the ability to naturally digest food). Age, and the breakdown of gene structures due to it, is the main natural cause of cancer; aside from family history or smoking. This same process eventually causes your immune system to weaken; and you get finished off by disease or cancer.

Therefore the ability to stop the breakdown of gene structures would also theoretically solve most of a person's natural causes of death; unless they were living unhealthily. Which to me sounded reasonable: Live healthily? Live forever. Live unhealthily? Die; classic Darwin stuff right there…

Sigh…I guess I can't complain too much. I had a bisexual girlfriend all throughout my university career, a girlfriend that legitimately hunted down pretty girls for our bedroom antics. I have educated and rich parents; and because they were doctors, medical knowledge was drilled into my brain simply by living in the same house as them.

Anyone who lives with doctor parents knows exactly what I am talking about.

I actually educated myself on the modern cloning process and the genetic sciences. I even did a genetics procedure in university that went until the sixteen cell group division; at which point it would be placed in the surrogate mother if you were seriously cloning.

Now, since I am dead and I don't remember being killed; I'm pretty sure I just died from a stroke. Had my heart checked already…and it was fine.

So a stroke it is…Damn.

Now what the hell is going on?

**Skip one miracle of birth…**

'_The fuck, what language are these guys speaking? Japanese? Wait what? …Orochimaru? Are they fucking discussing Naruto on the day of my birth?! YOU SONS OF BITCHES!'_

**Six months later…**

'_Well; apparently I'm in the Naruto world. And; I AM YOUR FATHER! No; actually I am Orochimaru…_

…

…_FUCK YEAH! PARTY IN MY HEAD!'_

Orochimaru's parents witnessed their _darling_ baby boy performing the world's first air guitar solo whilst lying down. They promptly decided their boy was having a seizure and took him to the hospital.

* * *

><p>"Really? His chakra just unlocked itself at six months? That's incredible. Hear that, Osochi-kun? You are going to be our little genius!"<p>

'_Oh real mature mom; add an O on sochi and make that my nickname? I guess I will LEARN EDO TENSEI AND TAKE OVER THE NINJA WORLD! Muhahaha!_

…_ahem, wew… back to normal. Because the ninja world is full of fucking morons who learn about Edo Tensei yet never seem to draw conclusions about actually CREMATING THEIR SUPER POWERED DEAD! But; I guess I will become the bad ass motherfucker who takes advantage of the ninja world's collective stupidity._

_...That's pretty much Orochimaru's canon job anyway. These guys probably haven't even heard of the scientific method for testing your hypothesis. I know that from fucking high school! The same high school where I flunked chemistry! I am going to be a fucking genius to these morons. Being taught by the smartest Shinobi and the greatest teacher in the Shinobi world is going to help too –_

_HOLY SHIT I CAN GET WITH TSUNADE! One meter long breasts…_

…

_On a completely unrelated note, will reflective glasses work for Sharingan bullshit? I mean; other than the super 'find your centre' shit Itachi was spouting off with Kabuto. Because fuck goggles and I want to dress like Agent Smith at least once in my life –_

_AND HOLY SHIT I GET TO DRESS LIKE OROCHIMARU!'_

"I don't know what's wrong with him Medic Ninja-san. He hasn't made a sound." Mom and the Medical Ninja were peering at me curiously.

'_Whoops.'_

"Whaaa…?"

'_Good enough.'_

* * *

><p><strong>Six months later…<strong>

Have you ever felt utterly cocky? Like really and truly felt; that you were the hottest thing since sliced bread? Like that cocky buff guy you see in the mall; the one with the hot blonde chick around his arm whilst talking to her brunet friend?

This was better than that. I was Orochi – fucking – maru! And the entire world was too stupid to create proper counters against Edo Tensei. My only counters in the future came in the form of the Uchiha clan; aka the guys currently _on_ my side!

And fuck what anyone says; I'm putting a snake summoning seal on Obito. I don't feel the slightest sympathy for **Intangibility** powers after all. Minato works hard on improving the Hiraishin and one bullshit eye and he dies. One eye! Not even two! No Susanoo either! So here's what I am going to do: summoning seal plus a snake spy.

Yes, yes it's perfect! When Obito 'dies'…Summoning jutsu that shit; remove the eye for insta-win! Wait; let's grab Shisui's eye too! I would legitimately balance the ninja world with those two eyes out of the picture–

OH GOD THIS IS HOW IT STARTS ISN'T IT?! FUCKING KISHI HAS A BONER FOR THE UCHIHA CLAN!

"Happy birthday Orochi-kun! Your father in on an important mission from the Nidaime himself! So he can't make it. *Sniff* I guess you can't understand me yet son…*sniff* you never say anything…"

Oh crap; I so cannot deal with this right now.

"Mama."

"Oh my sweet Orochi-kun! You said your first word!" My mother picked me up and swung me around.

Well learning this language is a bitch! And fuck your writing too! I've got three more years to genius-i-fy myself and get some training techniques from you guys before it's academy time. Not to mention that you both are going to die soon at the end of the first Shinobi World War; turning canon me into Ra's al Ghul…

…

Actually; holy shit that is going to be my code name! I want to be fucking called Ra's al Ghul! And have my own League of Shadows! Well; I guess that's ANBU. But still; I want to be called Ra's al Ghul and call an enemy "Mr Anderson"; at least once in my life!

…

Even if no one gets the joke…

…Ra's al Ghul…

That's like a verbal orgasm.

* * *

><p><strong>One year later…<strong>

"Mom, Dad. Please can you write down all your techniques? I am terrified that you are going to die before this war is over."

"Silly Orochi-kun; no one is going to die. We are about to form a peace treaty with Cloud. The Nidaime himself is going and your Mother and Father have been charged with defending the scroll themselves! We will be fine."

Well at least they changed the nickname to match my name. So that's how Orochimaru's parents die: they get shat on by the Gold and Silver brothers; who go on to kill the Nidaime after this.

"Please Mama! I don't want to be one of those helpless orphans! I want to be a Shinobi like you and Father! I'll…I'll do anything you ask Mama! I just…want to have a future in this world…" Tears came easily to my eyes.

This child's body cries so easily. Or could it be…?

Dad was a big softy; and told me to eat my vegetables and be good. He promised to write down all his techniques tonight for me to learn. We weren't a clan; but two Jounin parents had a lot to teach me.

I knew it was going to be the last time I would see them.

**Two years later...**

"Class I would like you all to meet Orochimaru-kun! He is the son of two Jounin and wants to be a great Shinobi like them! Introduce yourself, Orochimaru-kun."

I gave everyone a bow. "Hello everyone. My name is Orochimaru and I am going to be Hokage." I had perfected the cutesy long-haired pretty boy look and pose; and I could tell all the girls found me adorable. I didn't go the loud and stupid Naruto route at least.

I sought out a young Tsunade but didn't see her. I guess she is only arriving next year.

Probably leaning first from the Senju scrolls. Hmm…oh wait! Who's that ninja? Its… Uchiha!

I zoomed in on the girl and made my way to her. I had identified her by the fan crest of the Uchiha clan.

Hehehe…Pokémon references make me laugh. I guess I'll start making friends with her. Who knows; befriend enough Uchiha; become Hokage; and maybe solve all the shit that the Nidaime did. Worst Hokage ever; but I thank him for his techniques.

I sat down next to a female Uchiha; whose facial structure reminded me of my old girlfriend. Yes it was a terribly immature and horrible thing to think about.

I wanted another threesome in this life once I hit puberty. Bite me; I have a pulse…

"Hello, my name is Orochimaru. But I guess you already know that hehe. What is your name, Uchiha-senpai?"

"Naori, Orochimaru-kun. Uchiha Naori." She looked over at me friendlily.

The anime only female Mangekyo user?!

I was ecstatic! I definitely was going to befriend her. Naori also happened to be...er…a bit on the short side. Either that or she was three.

"Let's be best friends, Naori-senpai!"

Cause I am Orochimaru! I'm no convenient plot device for you to kill off to gain the Mangekyo Sharingan! You hear that Kishi?! I WILL BURY YOU IN MY AWESOMENESS!

* * *

><p><strong>One year later…<strong>

A year passed and just as predicted, Tsunade showed up. Along with Jiraiya; who even now acted like a moron. I just decided to ignore him. But what was really funny was the Senju Uchiha mini wars waged by a chibi Tsunade and Naori.

They competed over _everything_. Oh and it turns out that Naori was in fact…er…short. I am so glad that the moron Jiraiya made the comment and not me. He got the shit beaten out of him and I got to do the whole 'comforting my _bestest_ friend' routine. Future brownie points scored right there!

And then Tsunade got so _adorably_ jealous; so I gave her a hug too!

Now that I was five years old; in body at least; I could begin focusing on taijutsu practice. Like the Orochimaru fanboy I was; I knew all of canon Orochimaru's stats; jutsu and even hand signs. I felt that if Orochimaru stuck with his own body and actually trained it a bit more; rather than going full on creepy mad scientist; then many things could happen.

My taijutsu, strength and chakra might finally reach the number four mark in Stats. Which is only a half point increase; and not uncommon with the already impressive increase in my Spiritual Energy from an older mind. A bit of hard training and my chakra will go up to a four; maybe even a four point five. Then; since I already know about senjutsu, Jūgo and Ryūchi Cave; I'll score a four point five in taijutsu and a five in strength and chakra once I learn Sage Mode; since it's not toad style senjutsu that focuses on augmenting taijutsu–

OH MY GOD I KNOW THE PROCESS TO CREATE THE RASENGAN! And I have the Wind element.

…

THAT'S IT! My cunning evil plan to become Hokage: Learn…sorry, I mean 'create' the Rasengan. Master my wind nature transformation. Have Sarutobi-sensei teach me the Shadow Clone ninjutsu and 'show' me the Summoning Jutsu.

And that's it; everything I would need to produce myself a training montage (TRAINING MONTAGE!) to power myself up to fight Hanzo. Because if I beat Hanzō; then that will be the feather in my cap to become Hokage. What did Minato do? Massacre the Iwa Shinobi. Hashirama and Sarutobi? Both Gods of Shinobi; Shinobi so ridiculously strong that they had to be in charge.

Tobirama was elected due to nepotism; and he can go fuck himself. Madara should have been Nidaime.

The class went outside and we began our first sparing practice.

"The first match of the year is Orochimaru against Naori Uchiha. Begin!"

Since I already knew what Orochimaru was good at, and I had unlocked my chakra at an early age (birth; but everyone thought I did it at six months) I had begun training my flexibility. Once we were taught the basics in the academy (how to properly punch with a closed fist), I began creating Orochimaru's taijutsu style.

I ran straight at Naori, keeping my body low to the ground, and punched up towards Naori's chin. Her eyes widened at the odd style, but she spun out of the way. She went for a spinning kick; but I pulled a Neo Matrix dodge to slip under her leg.

Bending even further back until my hands touched the ground, I used my chakra to blast my legs up. The tips of my toes caught her chin and immediately after I transferred my momentum into a helicopter spin kick; Chun Li style.

Naori blocked the kick with the side of her right arm, but I had built up too much momentum and sent her flying out of the ring.

Man, I am _loving_ this body.

"Winner, Orochimaru!" The Chunin instructor called it and moved on the next bouts, but we both ignored him.

"Naori-chan! Are you ok?" I asked as I stepped out of the dirt ring and offered her my hand. I had graduated from senpai the moment Tsunade entered the class this year and Naori told me to refer to her in a more familiar manner.

She panted a bit at the utter blitz of attacks I had delivered against her, before nodding and taking my hand to pull herself up.

"What was that? Those were some insane moves. You have a tutor?" Naori asked me, frowning as she suspected preferential treatment.

Typical Uchiha jealousy issues.

I shook my head at her. "I'm making this up as I go along, Naori-chan. I want hard blows; fists, shins and feet; carried by a flexible body. That's the taijutsu style I want to create."

Naori became thoughtful and nodded; "Interesting. Oh look: Princess is up." Naori pointed and we both turned to look at the spar:

Jiraiya versus Tsunade.

The poor bastard. Jiraiya was still a true Dead Last and Tsunade had a year already with the Senju scrolls.

It was a massacre. Jiraiya was beaten black and blue, much to my silent satisfaction.

Don't get me wrong; this guy becomes an utter badass later on. But right now and for a significant portion of his life; the man is a moron.

"Winner Tsunade Senju!" The academy teacher just had to announce her last name; in a tone that sounded as if it was expected for her to win. Tsunade frowned, but started smiling when she saw my waving and cheering for her.

"Good job; Tsunade-chan." God I loved how my voice sounds. I am going to give _so_ many creepy speeches to my enemies in the end.

"Of course, how could the great _Senju_ lose?" Naori was feeling particularly prickly at her loss in front of her rival.

"What was that short stuff?" Tsunade smirked and her before winking at me.

Naori caught it. "What did you call me?!"

"You want to rumble, _shorty_?"

"Bring it on flat chest!"

"I'm five you moron!"

I clapped my hands together to gain their attention before they started the age old feud in front of me.

"Tsunade-chan! Naori-chan! Calm down. Let's all train together after school instead. We need to work on our Shurikenjutsu if we want to pass this year."

"Hmph." "Hmph." Both girls turned away from each other; but they calmed down at least.

The three of us all walked back to class together; and out of the corner of my eye I saw Jiraiya looking at me jealously.

I gave him a smirk.

I didn't really care about Jiraiya's rivalry with canon Orochimaru, but it was important to the plot for him to have a rival to push himself.

* * *

><p>I will once again reiterate: I am loving this body. It's hand-eye coordination was off the charts and I was picking up the techniques of tossing shuriken and kunai at a rapid pace.<p>

Tsunade was better than Naori with kunai; whilst Naori was better than Tsunade with shuriken. I was worse than both of them but my growth rate was utterly explosive. With both of them teaching me their methods, I could visibly see my aim improving with every toss.

"We'll definitely pass this year guys. Speaking of which; does anyone have the instructions to that wall-clinging thing the Shinobi do? If we can learn that then I'm sure we'll blast through the final test."

Tsunade nodded. "It's actually called the Surface-Clinging technique. I wouldn't call it a jutsu; but you channel your chakra through your feet and use it to cling to a surface; usually it's practiced on trees. Too much and you blow off, too little and you slip off."

"Thanks Tsunade-chan! Let's keep practicing for an hour with our Shurikenjutsu first. We'll get started on that technique tomorrow. I know that everyone here has already completed the leaf exercise already. Well; everyone but Jiraiya at least."

We all had a little chuckle; and I think I was the only one who realised that Jiraiya was currently spying on us.

'_Bingo; that's all the help you are getting from me Jiraiya. Now let's see __how your hard work __causes you to __pass with us.'_

Of course I too would train myself to the bone this year; rather than be a pure jutsu specialist like the canon young Orochimaru, I wanted to be good at everything.

* * *

><p><strong>End of the year, post Academy graduation...<strong>

"This fresh crop of Genin look especially promising Hokage-sama." A Chunin instructor submitted his reports to their newly elected Sandaime Hokage. The world had just come out of the First Shinobi World War; and the resources of everyone were strained to the limit.

Therefore the younger generation was needed desperately to replace their losses.

"Really? The previous class had the genius Sakumo Hakate in it; but unfortunately not much else. As much as it pains me to predict the future of my Shinobi, I will be pleasantly surprised if the rest make it higher than Chunin."

"Agreed Hokage-sama. This new crop however has three young prodigies, and their origins are far more varied."

"Hmm…" Sarutobi smoked on his pipe. "I assume one of these prodigies is young Tsunade-chan. Who are the other two?"

"Naori Uchiha, Hokage-sama. It seems like fate has a way of repeating itself with the rivalry, although Naori's personality is far less aggressive then Madara's. What makes it even more interesting is the fact that they both appearing to be fighting over the third prodigy: Orochimaru; no last name due to the death of his parents and both being civilian born."

Last names were powerful things in the Shinobi world, and had to be earned. A child may inherit a parent's last name, just like a civilian, but if their civilian parents died then they lost it as a Shinobi.

Orochimaru's lack of a last name was somewhat of a failure in the system: Both parents were Jounin, but neither had accomplished something legendary. Also, neither had given up their civilian names and they weren't legally married. As such, the system treated Orochimaru as an anomaly and defaulted.

"The child of those two civilian born Jounin? Now I am interested; both his parents beat everyone's expectations, becoming Jounin without a legendary sensei or a family history. What's his ranking?"

He was expecting a place in the top third, as both his parents were in the middle during the Academy, but both actually did the time and ate the right food to progress.

"Rookie of the Year, Hokage-sama. Top of the class in everything."

Sarutobi dropped his pipe. _'A nameless orphan crushing clan children? Well this will certainly be one for the history books.'_

To earn their own name, orphaned Shinobi born from civilians had to accomplish great deeds or feats. The Hatake family had the Dog Summoning Contract since the Clan Wars; but had never expanded out more than a single family; making them not register as a clan but as a ninja family.

"Are all three aiming for graduation this year?"

"Yes Hokage-sama? Is there any reason –"

"None that you may concern yourself with, Chunin. Dismissed." _'I feel that it is my destiny to teach these children.'_

Ripples spiralled out from this single decision: because the Sandaime never took Jiraiya as apprentice, the tradition of paring the Dead Last with the Rookie of the Year was never established…


	2. Team Sūpā Sentai!

**Thanks to my beta Zbluez for spotting the typo. He had exams T_T.**

* * *

><p>"Team 7; Orochimaru, Tsunade Senju and Naori Uchiha; your sensei is Hiruzen Sarutobi-sama."<p>

"Jiraiya and Mikazuki; you're being teamed up with last year's graduate Sakumo Hakate."

Jiraiya and the white-haired NPC teamed up with Sakumo? Holy crap now that is going to change things! I wonder if they will still give him crap when he chooses his comrades over the mission?

And knowing Jiraiya's luck with women; I'll bet anything that Mikazuki is the future Mrs. Hakate. Well at least he will still be teamed up with someone with the Summoning Jutsu, so the toads will be called up and be part of the storyline.

Still though; déjà fucking vu; this is just like the Obito Rin Kakashi shit all over again. Except I know that this is going to have a semi-happy ending: the chick might die young; but not from a mission. The prodigy is pretty much the nicest prodigy in Naruto; and the dead last becomes a Sage.

They'll be fine. At the very least I will make sure Tsunade and I are in the village when it is time for Kakashi to be born; to ensure it's not a death by birth situation.

–OH MY GOD! I have just realized the ultimate fuck you to Madara's plan! I am going to make Nagato the Nidaime Kyuubi Jinchuuriki! I mean think about it: Uzumaki with Rinnegan found. Mito looking for a successor? Female weakness bypassed; and the legends of the Sage's power? A way to guarantee that Nagato is Madara's enemy with zero manipulation? It's fucking perfect!

I will be the first one to admit that Nagato is my second favourite character in Naruto by far; with Orochimaru squeaking through due to having ORGAN THEME MUSIC! That shit has guaranteed bad-ass villain themes for decades. Let's see Madara deal with a Super Jinchuuriki then! With his eyes hahahahahahaha! Tsunade and I will teach him everything; and maybe he will use Slug Style Sage Mode like Hashirama.

"Now Team Seven; you're not Genin yet. You must first pass my test."

"What test, Hokage-sama?" I pre-empted the question. I'm curious as to what our team; with two women; will do to the Naruto world?

**Skip one pointless lecture about the Bell Test...**

That's right; I can't get distracted with thinking about the Naruto world at large.

"Go!" Sarutobi shouted and we all scattered. I jumped up into the tree and closed my eyes. I tried to sense for my teammate's chakra.

Nothing, but I'm pretty sure that I'll eventually learn this skill; even before Senjutsu. Guess it's time for basic tracking then.

"Psst! Orochimaru-kun. Over here. We have to work together."

Well speak of the devil; Tsunade figured it out. Damn Senju friendship genes.

No if only I could find Naori –

"Orochimaru-kun. Don't go near that cow! Come over here and work with me."

…

Where the hell did this girl learn such language at her age!? Seriously!

I sighed and gestured them both over to me.

"Guys; there is no way in hell we can beat Hokage-sama. In fact; I'm pretty sure he can play this game with all the other Kage and win! So this is definitely not a combat test, period. No Naori; I am absolutely sure about this, even if he is going to hold back when fighting us. This screams hidden meaning to all my senses. So, thoughts?"

I had never really directly admonished Naori like this, but something about my tone must have clued her in to the seriousness of the situation and my ability as a Shinobi. I am so glad I didn't take the loud idiot route.

"Well…hmmm…" Naori looked like she was putting some serious effort into this.

"It's a trick of some sort; maybe a battlefield exam of what to do against a superior opponent?" Tsunade offered.

Hmmm…I am going to have some fun with this.

"Hold on guys; whilst you keep on thinking I am going to try peaceful negotiation. I know that he said we must come at him with the intent to kill; but attempting peaceful negotiations will net us points with Sarutobi, I'm sure of it!"

* * *

><p>"Can I have the bells?"<p>

"No."

"Well I've done all I could do."

Thank you Patrick Star.

* * *

><p>"What happened?"<p>

"Negotiations failed."

"So…Triple Fake Out?"

"Triple Fake Out."

* * *

><p>"Haaaa!" Chibi Tsunade jumped out, forming hand signs; before jumping forward with a kick. Sarutobi went to block the obvious attack with ease; which is why I launched my attack from behind Tsunade just before she made contact.<p>

I threw two massive demon-windmill shuriken at both Tsunade and Sarutobi; hiding one in its own shadow with the Shadow Shuriken Technique. Just before Tsunade made contact with Sarutobi and thus put herself at risk, she completed the Substitution.

Sarutobi made contact and with a puff of smoke; a log took Tsunade's place. First Fake Out.

My demon-windmill shuriken closed the distance under the cover of smoke and the log; but began to grow further and further apart. It appeared to be sloppy technique.

Heh, since Sasuke hasn't even being born yet, I feel no guilt for ripping off moves from his fight against Itachi. Sarutobi took the bait, jumping between then; and I pulled the wires. I got to witness actual surprise in the man's eyes; experience or not, he didn't have the Sharingan to conveniently see the wires. Second Fake Out.

I got to see our Sensei pull off some Konohamaru vs Pein shit to dodge all the shrapnel with Monkey Style taijutsu.

Now I charged in with a kunai in each hand held in reverse, going straight for Sarutobi's neck. He was far warier now; and went straight for the deflection without compromising his position.

"Katon: Phoenix Sage Fire Justu!" This was the first time one us had spoken. Naori exited out of the forest behind me and spat out a swarm of homing mini fireballs. She hid shuriken inside them and sent them straight for Sarutobi.

It was loud; it was flashy; it announced Naori's presence like no other. It also happened to be the distraction. Third Fake Out.

I could see Sarutobi drawing conclusions in his head. We had already done this thing before against him. A frontal attack hiding behind another attack. I could see him making sense of our decisions. See him thinking that I am betting on Naori's ability to control the fireballs with her chakra to keep me safe whilst I clashed with him for real.

All according to plan…

Because I was the distraction too…

Naori wasn't using her chakra to make the fire-coated shuriken go around me. She was giving them one order: more speed! Because Tsunade had lined up the perfect throw all this time in the forest; and the moment Naori had called out the name she had thrown her kunai without chakra. It was a sneak attack.

So long as the flaming shuriken beat the kunai there, they would drown out the sound of the lone kunai passing through the air.

I dropped to my knees and performed a fucking powerslide; allowing Sarutobi to spot the flaming shuriken coming right for him; whilst I slid with both my kunai to slash his Achilles tendons. He had no choice but to jump; and I saw he was going to perform the Substitution jutsu; but before he could–

**Bam!**

Tsunade had pre-emptively aimed her kunai at Sarutobi's aerial position right from the start. The kunai cut the wires. And nailed him right on the ass.

I completed my powerslide under him and caught the bells in my teeth. Using my chakra to slow me down; I stood up and flashed Sarutobi a toothy grin; bells hanging from my mouth; as the rest of my team assembled and we posed Sūpā Sentai style!

If Sarutobi had a pipe in his mouth he would have dropped it at the sheer awesomeness that was our combo. I mean; I just used a fucking powerslide as part of a combo in real combat! Who else could get to say that?!

He passed us all immediately. I later learned that we were now the source of Sarutobi's saying: Even a Kage can be killed by a kunai.

Because if Tsunade had aimed for the neck, there was a chance that Sarutobi could have heard it. But there was an equal chance that we would have been short one Hokage.

* * *

><p>"These kids are fucking crazy, Koharu; Homura. Supremely talented; but I feel that they aren't taking this profession seriously. But then I asked them and their leader; Orochimaru responded with this:<p>

_"Sarutobi-sensei; being a ninja is a dangerous and deadly profession; we all know this. But I signed up knowing all this; and I am perfectly willing to bet my life on it. After all; the only thing you have to lose is your life. _

_If you are prepared to lose it with every breath; chasing your dreams; then fear disappears. You begin inspiring others around you to bet their lives on their hopes and dreams. And when you inspire enough people; you become Hokage."_

"What on earth do I say to that guys? Technically; Orochimaru-kun is correct."

"Hmm…not a bad speech. Orochimaru you say; where is he now?" Homura asked as he prepared them all some tea.

"Training until his fists bleed. He said that his own speech got him so fired up that he is going to train until his body can't move any more."

All three of them blinked; being too disciplined to show much surprise.

"Well, Orochimaru does have the highest taijutsu scores in the Academy; ever. And he scored top in the class for the rest. The boy is utterly relentless and I think he genuinely _enjoys_ being a Shinobi." Koharu made her observation as she sipped her tea.

People usually were Shinobi due to naivety or clan expectations; and grew up with the missions. But Orochimaru seemed to be an oddity; knowing exactly what was in store for him and still going at it with a smile. He also seemed to be an odd sort of leader; inspiring others; but they weren't quite sure he believed in the Will of Fire.

"Hiruzen; just ask them tomorrow. Do your team introductions and ask them these questions."

* * *

><p>"Good morning Team 7; my name is Hiruzen Sarutobi; and I am the Third Hokage. My likes are my Sensei's: the First and Second Hokages, my wife and all of Konoha; which I view as my children. My hobbies…hehehehe…are a bit old for you. I dislike traitors to Konoha and false treaties; and my dream has already been accomplished by becoming Hokage. Your turn, Orochimaru-kun."<p>

"Hai sensei. My name is Orochimaru and I am six years old. I like Tsunade-chan; Naori-chan, The First and Third Hokages; and all of Konoha. I dislike the Second Hokage and regard him as a moron; sorry Sensei. My hobbies include being a ninja and learning new nin, gen, and tai-jutsu; along with playing music. I dislike racism, idiots, traitors and false treaties too Sensei, as it killed my parents; and my dream is to be Hokage; learn all the jutsu in the world; and to teach.

I also want to experiment with the Apprenticeship teaching style; and perhaps see which style produces the superior Shinobi."

"Why don't you like my Sensei Orochimaru-kun?" Sarutobi was frowning but saw that Tsunade and Naori weren't. They both winced and shook their heads at him but it was too late.

"Rant time it is then. Tsunade-chan and Naori-chan have brought me the clan accounts of Madara and Hashirama's personalities; and Tobirama's personality is far better documented; as he created many systems within the village; and thus his way of thinking is widely available in written form to those smart enough to discern it. I have pieced together our starting history from this evidence; and have determined that just about every internal issue the village has faced; including Madara's defection; was caused by Tobirama.

Madara asked the Uchiha clan to leave with him; after showing concerns that the Senju would destroy the Uchiha. Now this little problem was also caused by Madara's personality; causing a miscommunication; or evidently; a lack of communication.

The Uchiha clan was still being ruled over by Hashirama as Hokage; and it was an awesome time for them. They were pretty much like: 'Bro; Hashirama is the shit. Times are good bro; get over your warlike ways and admit that Hashirama is better than you.' _Technically_; the reports said that Madara flew into a rage; but I am translating that to saying Madara came down with a serious case of sore-loser-itus.

Rather than saying 'Fellow bros of the Uchiha clan; it's not Hashirama I'm worried about; it his racist dick of a brother; who has always been against the Uchiha clan. You cannot let him become Hokage.' The Uchiha clan aren't idiots; they would have listened to that.

_Instead_, Madara pretty much went with the whole 'Hashirama isn't better than me! Rar rar rar I guess I shall destroy everything we ever built together! Rar!' route and left the village.

Fast forward past some ancient history and look what happened: Hey guys let's build a prison and move the entire Uchiha clan next to it! If that isn't one gigantic fuck you from Tobirama I don't know what is. Ask any parent on the planet if they want to have their children grow up next to prisoners. The prison should be by the ANBU headquarters instead. And the whole Uchiha police force thing? Totally a way to watch them.

But Sensei is a far more like Hashirama then Tobirama; so I am pretty sure you are using them like a proper and normal police force; so that issue has solved itself. I am more worried about some Tobirama-like teammate of Sensei though; someone hanging around in the shadows still being a racist prick to the clan whilst Sensei is still in the light.

History tends to repeat itself when not recorded well; I had to acquire these accounts from two opposite clans; and read all about Tobirama's decisions before reaching my hypothesis. One day I will record this properly; and issue it as an academy text book to stop past mistakes from repeating themselves."

* * *

><p>Homura and Koharu found their old teammate drinking of all things; and they collectively sighed before sitting next to him. "Orochimaru-kun again?"<p>

"Guys; I am almost tempted to give Orochimaru-kun the Hokage hat right now. He has already got the Senju and Uchiha working together in miniature and… I have never met anyone as smart as him. Ever. From basic accounts and deduction, he pretty much told our entire village's secret history and theoretically identified Danzō despite never having met the person."

"Hiruzen; are you sure he is not a spy?" Koharu played the Devil's Advocate.

Sarutobi nodded and took another sip of his drink. "Positive. Ever since the boy's chakra network became active at six months old, we have put him under constant surveillance. The only time where he is not under our surveillance is when he is within clan grounds."

Homura now took part in the conversation. "Train them Sarutobi. This team seems to be full of gems; and we may finally have the trio to replace us. Orochimaru seems like he could handle the darkness of our village too."

Hiruzen nodded; but Orochimaru's childish rendition struck a nerve with him. _'Why did I never think that moving an entire clan next to a prison wasn't bad for the children? Why did that never bring up alarms for me? How much has Sensei; no, Tobirama; influenced me? Whilst it is true that Tobirama did in fact come up with the Chunin exams; as a way to display our skills and promote peace without sacrificing village secrets; Orochimaru-kun isn't aware of Edo Tensei either.'_

"I need to think about this. Thanks for keeping me company with a drink, Homura, Koharu."

* * *

><p>'I NEED A TRAINING MONTAGUE!' were my thoughts whilst we all waited for Sarutobi-sensei at Training Ground 7 the next day.<p>

Well this is an anime world after all; so I probably will get one. You know in these stories whenever someone arrives in an anime world, like this one; they are all like 'On no! This is just like the real world! It runs on real world physics!'

Yeah right. This is an anime world people; get over yourselves. Plot armour exists here; and as Orochimaru; I have some fucking awesome plot armour. Thank god I'm not a side character on Attack on Titan…

Shiver...

Nightmare stuff there... But yeah; I'm pretty sure my plot armour exists until the Hanzō fight; where either we will enter the lone survivor mode or the cannon entire team survives mode. Both make for an awesome backstory to entertain the millions of people reading the manga and watching the anime.

Hah; you see that you self-insert morons?! I have acknowledged the fact that I exist to be read about for entertainment in a manga!

Sarutobi arrived in a swirl of Shunshin and I though he would immediately get us stuck into training. He started with an opening lecture.

"Today we will begin with physical conditioning and team problem-solving exercises. Many nations regard us a weak for prioritizing teamwork over individual ability; but our secret is that our teamwork keeps our weak Genin alive; long enough to become those strong Chunin and Jounin that everyone else fears.

Our Genin mortality rate is almost non-existent in Konoha; and the Chunin exams in foreign countries are almost solely responsible for those few deaths. Which we feel was the entire point of Hashirama founding the system of Shinobi villages: to keep the children alive. As a result we are recovering at an unprecedented rate; as although we have many orphans; our Shinobi passed down their Will of Fire to their children before giving their lives to the village."

Typical Konoha dogma; but it makes sense. It was technically a numbers game; created to increase the chance of the genius Shinobi surviving to pass on their genes to the next generation. The longer Konoha stood; the higher its quality of Shinobi would be; so long as the schmucks kept the genius's alive and the genius's had enough kids. And the entire system was prettied up with the Will of Fire and sons surpassing their fathers bullshit.

"After a week of this; we shall move on to Water Walking since I was informed that you all know the Tree Climbing exercise. We will be doing D-ranks as well during this month; and will continue however long it takes you all to learn Water Walking. After that I will test your Chakra Natures and teach you each a ninjutsu matching your element. The second month will be a mass of training; as I won't baby you. You will live together; eat together; and train together. The third month we will go into Genjutsu; spotting, dispelling and casting whilst you three will do daily team spars against me after completing one D-rank mission in the morning.

After the three months are over we will begin Delivery C-rank Missions; familiarising ourselves with the greater Fire Country; whilst I will take my teachings on the road. I will teach you as fast as you can learn; as by then I expect you to have done research in your own time as to what you want to learn.

Only after a year as a team together will we begin to accomplish C-ranks outside the country and you will be made available to take the Chunin exams. This year of solid individual and team training before taking deadly missions, or going for promotion; forms the core of Konoha and keeps our Genin alive over those from other nations. Before our first year is over I expect all of you to have made your first kills against bandits during our patrols."

Sarutobi-sensei took a deep breath. "Let's get started."

I only had one thought:

Where the fuck was this when Kakashi was training Team 7?!


End file.
